Betty Smith ~ Mother

and two weeks later, mother's birthday ~ may 8, 1924.

she would've been 86. she and daddy were one year and two weeks apart in age. her hand a week before she died. may 29, 2009. almost one year.

it wasn't until the dementia took all of her defense mechanisms away that i saw a glimpse of the real betty smith . she really was a very nice, loving person. underneath it all. so our time together at the end was a very grace-filled time that God allowed me to have. time to forgive and be forgiven.

if things could've been different..... my father used to always say that "if" was the biggest word in the dictionary. so true. but things weren't different so i live with the gratefulness to God for giving me the opportunity before she died to give the forgiveness that i was never able to completely give and the joy of knowing that she's with Him and that i'll see her again when i get there. well and healed and exactly the way God intended for her to be. and ditto for me. great glory and praise to Him for that day!

my memories are a bit skewed about her and so this post is not like the one for daddy. i won't lie. the 29th of every month is not painful, every holiday i don't cry. i don't feel the deep loss that i did for my father. i don't dream about her. i don't burst into tears when i smell a fragrance that she wore. i don't quote her.

the difference between the two of them was monumental. i loved my father. he knew how to love me. i can say that i loved her because she was my mother. i'm not sure that she knew how to love me or us. too much stuff in the way. but now she's free. and happy. and perfect.

i'm looking forward to meeting her in Heaven. His bride in perfection.

happy birthday, mother. and happy mother's day.

Charles Smith ~ Daddy

today is his birthday. it doesn't matter that he's not here on earth to celebrate...it will always be his birthday. he would've been 87. i even had a dream in the wee hours of this morning and he was there, laughing and having a great time.

i remember his smile. i remember a lot of things about him. his laughter and his ridiculously funny sneezes. his fierce protection. his gentleness. his endless stories. he wasn't perfect. neither am i. but he loved me and i knew it. he always told me so. he spent time with me. he would tell me about the things that he loved.... especially his dreams. i rolled my eyes about alot of things he said. some of those are the very things that i treasure today.

parents get a short sell during the course of our growing up but maybe in the end we'll be remembered well. with a smile. maybe a regret at not having listened and embraced more of what was shared. he always said "no regrets"..... but i have a few. i wish that i'd loved him just a little bit more. been less critical. given forgiveness like he gave to me. spent a little more time with him.

but today i can reflect on the giant of a man who shaped my life
and say 'thank you, daddy. i love you, too!'

and happy birthday!

cassandra jean

hard

life. is hard.

i didn't used to think so even when it was. too much pollyana? i've never thought so. there is always a new day. even a new time of day to start over. right now i'm smack in the middle of hard. and no, not everything is good. all that matters is not good. God is good and He is working, i just can't see it. right now. there is something that matters to me beyond measure and the reality of it is not good.

faith ~ it is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

i can't see with my eyes right now. truthfully, i sometimes lack confidence. i get really scared. and beyond sad. it's pain like i've never in my whole life experienced. "but God" says that i can trust Him because He is for us and not against us. He will give hope and a future if we believe what He says. what if.....i actually believe Him? and live that way. i try very hard to do that most days. but there are some that wash over me just like a flood. like today.

the hope is there. and the future. if i pick it up and believe Him. and trust.

and so life today, right this minute is so hard. my only sane option is to lift my head. God is the lifter of my head. deep breath. i am so incredibly grateful that my God IS. not was or will be but always IS. He is a present participle God. always happening. i love that.

so as the tears wash down my face, i lift my head. to Him Who can brush them away and say that it's okay to cry them. what a relief. i don't have to hide them. He knows that i'm human and have days when the pain is so great that i have no choice but to let them fall.

and He is here.
and He is there.
and He is working on it.
all in His time.

hard.

six zero ~ she lives!

it's done. over. it's real. i still can't actually say it.

emily and bill made it fairly painless. how completely darling of them (i understand it was the baby chick's idea) to have a surprise party for me! so.much.fun. the whole day was beautiful and perfect.

it's so fun to be born in the spring!

bill gave me an iphone. thank you, bill! very impressive. am impressed. but we all know that you're the nice one. we don't have to wait to see! (inside joke) i've wanted one from 'afar' for quite awhile. been fearing that i'd be the only one on planet earth to not understand how to use it. well, i can use it but i need some serious remedials. ;)

the pictures aren't in order. apparently i need remedials in that, too. no worries.

thank you to my sweet fam for such a special day. it made the scariness of it seem 'not so bad'. i love you!

mollie, we miss you.

waiting. with love.

what a day!

God is just like morton's salt. "when it rains, it pours".

He really showed off this past friday ~

the baby chick got a job.

the newlyweds have a contract on their first house.

march 12, 2010........what a day!

He has poured out some beautiful blessings on our family. how grateful we are. He's just the Sweetest and most Perfect!

miss em ~

she'll be an 'accounting' intern for the HOUSTON TEXANS! it's a facade. they even told her so. it's just a stepping stone to a future that right now only God knows. i'm guessing He's exploding with the awesome knowledge of her future. really big belly laugh! we're way okay with that. she'll start with day one and watch her life unfold one day at a time. professional football. seriously? dream? check. totally aware of how big God is? check. can't wait to watch the unfolding!

k2 ~

first house. fabulously scary step! they're up for it. oh happy day. did i mention they have a pool? so this summer it'll be BYOFS -- bring your own food and stuff! some serious fun with their new married friends. cooking out, laughing with peeps, soaking in the vitamin d. a place of their own. a real home. starting their new life. it doesn't get any better than that. or does it? the future looks pretty amazing!

we're missing our middle. every minute. praying that soon she'll be back with us. we're waiting and watching for her.

here is our celebration picture. we went to vic & anthony's...our fave. reynard, our favorite waiter, was there to help us celebrate along with an old family friend.

good times.

incredible God.

thank You so much!

the birthday girl

i will very soon become an age of which i cannot even say out loud. if wisdom comes with age i should be so wise now! alas, it does not. i wish i were a wise woman.

i'm a slow learner .... so that means that i'm extremely grateful to God for allowing me to take my sweet time to come to my senses! if life is a journey, i've taken more than my share of detours. i am not an optimist. i wish i were. i have to work hard to try to be one. i try. harder....like avis?

so here is my gratitude list ~ just a few:

~ i am so grateful for a supportive and loving husband

~ the three beautiful daughters that God so lavishly gave us

~ friends that have always been just that

~ a sister who has staying power

~ a beautiful home

~ a rockin' car

~ a God who IS

~ spring

sometimes i get overwhelmed by all the mistakes i've made. i still make them. so if my husband or my children ever read this - i want to tell you how much i love you. i hope that you'll forgive all of my errant behavior and decisions that weren't the best. i'm still a work in progress for sure!

bill ~ thank you for everything. how you've put up with me is amazing. i think

we might make it!

kate ~ the most beautiful bride! think more about what you can do for your

husband on a daily basis than of yourself. these are words of wisdom that

i wish i'd have done more of.

kyle ~ you're so welcomed and loved! it's great to have a son!!

mollie ~ i love you!

emily ~ may you find what you're looking for. i know you will! be open and

ready to "do whatever it takes"!

happy birthday, sandi! i'm beginning to love you a little bit more every day! :)

twenty ten !

here we are again! thirty-four years of wedded bliss. well, of marriage. wink. we're at vic & anthony's again but without rynard. he definitely makes it more fun. btw...that's creme brulle, not a plate of burned goo.

new year. new decade. newly married daughter complete with new son-in-law. xoxo

i'm not one for resolutions but it is a time to look forward and think about things i'd like to do or do better or not keep doing. so far i've been really bad at 'not keep doing'. i just can't seem to get my head completely straight. grrr. i will persevere!

i've been thinking about how much God loves us. the story about the shepherd who leaves his entire flock to go out and look for the one that is lost. all by itself, that's amazing. but he does it. he looks everywhere. and he finds the lost lamb! does that lamb understand that he could've lost his life? does he even know that he's lost? why did he wander in the first place? doesn't he know that the safest place is with his master?

i will venture to say that he does not. by the mere fact that he has drifted away. he is unaware of his plight. of his fragile and precarious situation. and that's how it happens, isn't it? we ever so slowly drift away. it's a slow fade. and we find ourselves.......lost. and we don't even know it. or someone we know has lost their way. and they are lost. even if we can't find them, God can. God can. and He will. we need only to pray. and hope. and watch. and wait.

He is the Great Shepherd.

one of our lambs is lost. God has left the protected to go and find the unprotected. He will prevail. His way will be done. may we rest in the bewildering knowledge of how much He loves us. He will search until His lamb is found. He will not give up. and neither will we.

He gives hope and a future. a future that we wouldn't otherwise have.

what a friend we have in Jesus!