Betty Smith ~ Mother

and two weeks later, mother's birthday ~ may 8, 1924.

she would've been 86. she and daddy were one year and two weeks apart in age. her hand a week before she died. may 29, 2009. almost one year.

it wasn't until the dementia took all of her defense mechanisms away that i saw a glimpse of the real betty smith . she really was a very nice, loving person. underneath it all. so our time together at the end was a very grace-filled time that God allowed me to have. time to forgive and be forgiven.

if things could've been different..... my father used to always say that "if" was the biggest word in the dictionary. so true. but things weren't different so i live with the gratefulness to God for giving me the opportunity before she died to give the forgiveness that i was never able to completely give and the joy of knowing that she's with Him and that i'll see her again when i get there. well and healed and exactly the way God intended for her to be. and ditto for me. great glory and praise to Him for that day!

my memories are a bit skewed about her and so this post is not like the one for daddy. i won't lie. the 29th of every month is not painful, every holiday i don't cry. i don't feel the deep loss that i did for my father. i don't dream about her. i don't burst into tears when i smell a fragrance that she wore. i don't quote her.

the difference between the two of them was monumental. i loved my father. he knew how to love me. i can say that i loved her because she was my mother. i'm not sure that she knew how to love me or us. too much stuff in the way. but now she's free. and happy. and perfect.

i'm looking forward to meeting her in Heaven. His bride in perfection.

happy birthday, mother. and happy mother's day.

Charles Smith ~ Daddy

today is his birthday. it doesn't matter that he's not here on earth to celebrate...it will always be his birthday. he would've been 87. i even had a dream in the wee hours of this morning and he was there, laughing and having a great time.

i remember his smile. i remember a lot of things about him. his laughter and his ridiculously funny sneezes. his fierce protection. his gentleness. his endless stories. he wasn't perfect. neither am i. but he loved me and i knew it. he always told me so. he spent time with me. he would tell me about the things that he loved.... especially his dreams. i rolled my eyes about alot of things he said. some of those are the very things that i treasure today.

parents get a short sell during the course of our growing up but maybe in the end we'll be remembered well. with a smile. maybe a regret at not having listened and embraced more of what was shared. he always said "no regrets"..... but i have a few. i wish that i'd loved him just a little bit more. been less critical. given forgiveness like he gave to me. spent a little more time with him.

but today i can reflect on the giant of a man who shaped my life
and say 'thank you, daddy. i love you, too!'

and happy birthday!

cassandra jean

hard

life. is hard.

i didn't used to think so even when it was. too much pollyana? i've never thought so. there is always a new day. even a new time of day to start over. right now i'm smack in the middle of hard. and no, not everything is good. all that matters is not good. God is good and He is working, i just can't see it. right now. there is something that matters to me beyond measure and the reality of it is not good.

faith ~ it is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

i can't see with my eyes right now. truthfully, i sometimes lack confidence. i get really scared. and beyond sad. it's pain like i've never in my whole life experienced. "but God" says that i can trust Him because He is for us and not against us. He will give hope and a future if we believe what He says. what if.....i actually believe Him? and live that way. i try very hard to do that most days. but there are some that wash over me just like a flood. like today.

the hope is there. and the future. if i pick it up and believe Him. and trust.

and so life today, right this minute is so hard. my only sane option is to lift my head. God is the lifter of my head. deep breath. i am so incredibly grateful that my God IS. not was or will be but always IS. He is a present participle God. always happening. i love that.

so as the tears wash down my face, i lift my head. to Him Who can brush them away and say that it's okay to cry them. what a relief. i don't have to hide them. He knows that i'm human and have days when the pain is so great that i have no choice but to let them fall.

and He is here.
and He is there.
and He is working on it.
all in His time.

hard.

six zero ~ she lives!

it's done. over. it's real. i still can't actually say it.

emily and bill made it fairly painless. how completely darling of them (i understand it was the baby chick's idea) to have a surprise party for me! so.much.fun. the whole day was beautiful and perfect.

it's so fun to be born in the spring!

bill gave me an iphone. thank you, bill! very impressive. am impressed. but we all know that you're the nice one. we don't have to wait to see! (inside joke) i've wanted one from 'afar' for quite awhile. been fearing that i'd be the only one on planet earth to not understand how to use it. well, i can use it but i need some serious remedials. ;)

the pictures aren't in order. apparently i need remedials in that, too. no worries.

thank you to my sweet fam for such a special day. it made the scariness of it seem 'not so bad'. i love you!

mollie, we miss you.

waiting. with love.

what a day!

God is just like morton's salt. "when it rains, it pours".

He really showed off this past friday ~

the baby chick got a job.

the newlyweds have a contract on their first house.

march 12, 2010........what a day!

He has poured out some beautiful blessings on our family. how grateful we are. He's just the Sweetest and most Perfect!

miss em ~

she'll be an 'accounting' intern for the HOUSTON TEXANS! it's a facade. they even told her so. it's just a stepping stone to a future that right now only God knows. i'm guessing He's exploding with the awesome knowledge of her future. really big belly laugh! we're way okay with that. she'll start with day one and watch her life unfold one day at a time. professional football. seriously? dream? check. totally aware of how big God is? check. can't wait to watch the unfolding!

k2 ~

first house. fabulously scary step! they're up for it. oh happy day. did i mention they have a pool? so this summer it'll be BYOFS -- bring your own food and stuff! some serious fun with their new married friends. cooking out, laughing with peeps, soaking in the vitamin d. a place of their own. a real home. starting their new life. it doesn't get any better than that. or does it? the future looks pretty amazing!

we're missing our middle. every minute. praying that soon she'll be back with us. we're waiting and watching for her.

here is our celebration picture. we went to vic & anthony's...our fave. reynard, our favorite waiter, was there to help us celebrate along with an old family friend.

good times.

incredible God.

thank You so much!

the birthday girl

i will very soon become an age of which i cannot even say out loud. if wisdom comes with age i should be so wise now! alas, it does not. i wish i were a wise woman.

i'm a slow learner .... so that means that i'm extremely grateful to God for allowing me to take my sweet time to come to my senses! if life is a journey, i've taken more than my share of detours. i am not an optimist. i wish i were. i have to work hard to try to be one. i try. harder....like avis?

so here is my gratitude list ~ just a few:

~ i am so grateful for a supportive and loving husband

~ the three beautiful daughters that God so lavishly gave us

~ friends that have always been just that

~ a sister who has staying power

~ a beautiful home

~ a rockin' car

~ a God who IS

~ spring

sometimes i get overwhelmed by all the mistakes i've made. i still make them. so if my husband or my children ever read this - i want to tell you how much i love you. i hope that you'll forgive all of my errant behavior and decisions that weren't the best. i'm still a work in progress for sure!

bill ~ thank you for everything. how you've put up with me is amazing. i think

we might make it!

kate ~ the most beautiful bride! think more about what you can do for your

husband on a daily basis than of yourself. these are words of wisdom that

i wish i'd have done more of.

kyle ~ you're so welcomed and loved! it's great to have a son!!

mollie ~ i love you!

emily ~ may you find what you're looking for. i know you will! be open and

ready to "do whatever it takes"!

happy birthday, sandi! i'm beginning to love you a little bit more every day! :)

twenty ten !

here we are again! thirty-four years of wedded bliss. well, of marriage. wink. we're at vic & anthony's again but without rynard. he definitely makes it more fun. btw...that's creme brulle, not a plate of burned goo.

new year. new decade. newly married daughter complete with new son-in-law. xoxo

i'm not one for resolutions but it is a time to look forward and think about things i'd like to do or do better or not keep doing. so far i've been really bad at 'not keep doing'. i just can't seem to get my head completely straight. grrr. i will persevere!

i've been thinking about how much God loves us. the story about the shepherd who leaves his entire flock to go out and look for the one that is lost. all by itself, that's amazing. but he does it. he looks everywhere. and he finds the lost lamb! does that lamb understand that he could've lost his life? does he even know that he's lost? why did he wander in the first place? doesn't he know that the safest place is with his master?

i will venture to say that he does not. by the mere fact that he has drifted away. he is unaware of his plight. of his fragile and precarious situation. and that's how it happens, isn't it? we ever so slowly drift away. it's a slow fade. and we find ourselves.......lost. and we don't even know it. or someone we know has lost their way. and they are lost. even if we can't find them, God can. God can. and He will. we need only to pray. and hope. and watch. and wait.

He is the Great Shepherd.

one of our lambs is lost. God has left the protected to go and find the unprotected. He will prevail. His way will be done. may we rest in the bewildering knowledge of how much He loves us. He will search until His lamb is found. He will not give up. and neither will we.

He gives hope and a future. a future that we wouldn't otherwise have.

what a friend we have in Jesus!

.....and they're living happily ever after

it was a magical night.

a fairytale.

she was beautiful.

he was handsome.

the night was straight out of a favorite book.

the first page in a brand-new one.

and it's their book.

off they went to the honeymoon. the virgin islands. sun, sand, beaches, beautiful water, a 45 foot sea ray adventure, forests and views of God's handiwork everywhere.

sunsets on the ocean are unique and awesome.

they're home and life begins ~

it will never be the same because now, now they're sharing it together. just as it should be.

the book is open. and now every "first" begins.....

yesterday was their first one-month anniversary.

today is their first thanksgiving as mr. and mrs. lawrence.

let the story begin....................

"May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May the Lord's face radiate with joy because of you!

May He show you His favor and give you His peace."

Numbers 6:24

going to the chapel and they're gonna get married...

she's getting married four weeks from yesterday.

kate, darling, (let me borrow that endearment from grandmother) ~ you were the object of my dreams, the prayer that was answered by God. just when i had given up, God smiled and said yes!

only parents, of course, understand the wonder of first children. you truly were a wonderment. "the best gift". (thank you barbra streisand) and just in time for christmas.

eleven days before you get married you'll have your twenty-eighth birthday. happy birthday. (two and a half weeks early) what a nice present!

you're marrying a great guy, kate. he really loves you. he's nice. and handsome. you go together. you fit. we were happy to give you our blessing. very important.

you will be such a beautiful bride! the most beautiful. i can see you now coming down the aisle. radiant. full of joy and love. the biggest day. i pray that you and kyle will make the most important part of your lives together based on the Lord. it will determine everything. and life will go so much better for you!

here is one of my favorite verses for marriage ~

"two are better than one because they have a good return for their work. if

one falls down, the other can pick him up. but pity the man who falls and

has no one to help him up! also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

but how can one keep warm alone? though one may be overpowered, two can

defend themselves. a cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

i love you both and i'm looking forward with great anticipation and joy to your very own day!

xoxo mthr

(it's nice to have a boy in our family, kyle, you've done a great job of handling all these girls!)

the baby chick

it's true. my baby chick, emily jane, graduated from college. thank You, God! yea. no more payments of any kind, at least to or for texas a&m. ever. to any college. any. where. ever. you can see me doing the happy dance, can't you?

packing and moving was......well, insane. but it's done, over, kaput. with tons of help from her 'mama' and a cache full of amazing friends. thank you, amazing friends.

so now it's job fair. every. day. not nearly as much fun as college. (the fun part not the class and studying part) it's real world part. it's going back home to fun-filled parents part. i crack myself up with the adjective there. we, the parents, are down to the mundane with only bursts of fun-filled-ness. not to be confused with college graduate fun-filled. ness. it's major computer time and resumes part. it's the interviewing part. with companies that aren't even close to what she wants to do. what does she want to do? no worries. she'll figure it out. sooner or later. no pressure but we're all hoping for sooner. wink.

okay. we're going to make it. all of us.

"this is a test. this is only a test. if it were not a test, your local broadcasting company would inform you. stay tuned to this channel."

we're staying tuned to this channel.

and guess who the broadcaster is? yes, thankfully, it's God Himself. so we will all persevere, we will all continue to pray (especially ejb) and we will all keep tuned-in to every channel that He gives us.

He really is... mighty to save.

even college grads without a job.

i love you baby chick.

AND DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT.

wink. wink. wink.

just random thoughts...a few more things

i just can't shake this 'feeling'. when your parents die, life goes on. and everyone and the world goes on. as it should be. but i'm left with the feelings, the memories. the fragility of life. the strength of life. the wisp of death. it really is like "the twinkling of an eye". you're here one split second and then you're not....you're gone. in an instant, you're gone from this world.

for my children ....i just want to write this down for you. i want you to know that, without the smallest doubt, God is real. Jesus is real. He is who He says He is. He is God and there is no other! i want you to know that God does the most unbelieveable things for me. i am at a complete loss for words as to why.

here's the story that i want you to know ~ i was sitting by my mother's bed the morning that she died. her breathing had changed even more, her body, her eyes, everything about her was changing. but is was sweet and peaceful. i watched as she was being drawn away, as she was leaving this world. i saw her eyes moving under her lids. i watched the artery in her throat pulsating. she made a grimace and then another one. then she made three distinct 'sounds', like sighs except that i heard her voice in those sighs. it was surprising to me even at the moment. and that was it. she was gone.

it wasnt' until later when i sat beside her again and began writing in my journal that i suddenly realized what i had witnessed. the Bible tells us that God has 'called us by name' and that we will rise to meet Him when we die unless we're living when He returns and we will rise with Him. as i was writing about hearing her voice in those sighs, i instantly knew that God was calling her name and that she was answering Him!!! that God allowed me to witness this most sacred event is beyond my comprehension. i was sitting there, seemingly alone, when in actuality we were surrounded by angels and God Himself calling her name. i am as humbled as a human being can be.

i still feel fragile but i wanted you to know this.

betty jean long smith 5-8-24 ~ 5-29-09

my mother died today. in one tiny, last breath she was gone from this earth.

when she opened her eyes she was looking at daddy, her charles, and all the people in her whole life who loved her. they were waiting for her at the gate. yes, i've been a little jealous all day trying to imagine how wonderful it was and what she's doing now. and how happy my father is to have her there with him. i wanted to be "in on it", too. i can see him taking her around and showing her all the beautiful things that are made with precious stones....the very ones that he loved on this earth. i think of all the people that i know that she's talking with now. i think of daddy, young and vibrant again. of mother, free from this earthly stuff.

freedom. love. forever.

i think of Jesus. actually i see Him standing back, just enjoying the scene. i'll bet He gets to do this every day, all the time. and then when all the excitement dies down a little, someone turns and then all heads turn..... and there He is. and He smiles. at her. and she smiles back. He holds His precious hands out and she runs ....straight to Him.

she only died in her earthly body. now she's done with it. now she knows, not in part, but the whole. what do people do who don't believe in Jesus? i want everyone i know and love to come to Him and be saved. to be forever with the Lord. to live happily ever after. with Him. that's the only way it works.

here's what i know ~ life is about Love. relationship. it's all that matters. all the rest will be burned up and blown away.

thank You, Lord, for being so sweet to me. i can't figure it out but You keep doing things for me that are simply amazing. me. ME. thank You for giving me the desire of my heart....to be with her when she left this world. to share in that most sacred moment. just she and i. alone.

You are worthy! i love You so.


good-bye, mother. i'll see you soon. and daddy, too.

reflections on mother's day...to kate and mollie and emily

aren't you beautiful? yes you are! wow, God, good work!! i am simply stunned by Your handiwork.

three girls. three. did you know that i always wanted three children? being an only child for thirteen years, i always wanted a really big family. hahaha....i thought three sounded huge.
well, it is. ;)

you have been my heart's desire from the beginning. look at God....showing off big time for me!

each one of you has given me more insight to life and to myself than i could've ever imagined. what on earth do people do who have no children? you are truly a "gift from the Lord".

but trust me...okay, here comes a reality hit...there were days when i would've gladly sent you back to where you came from! but see.....now we can look back at them and smile because like musafa said in 'the lion king', "it does't matter, it's in the past!" (what would we do without movie quotes? seriously.)

thank You, Lord Jesus for these precious, beautiful girls!!! and thank you, girls, for all that you are and for all that you are becoming.

i love you more than you will ever know. but one day i pray that each of you will know, when you hold your own darlings in your arms.

then.....you will know about my love for you.

muah!
xoxo

our story ~ reader's digest version

here's the guy i've been talking about....... 33 years.
i love double numbers, don't you?

we met at a garbage company (omg) (almost 2 years before the 33). he sold trucks (18 wheelers...yikes) to a garbage company and i worked at that garbage company's corporate offices.

we met. we dated. we married.
we had three daughters ~ kate, mollie and emily.

that sounds so tidy. it wasn't so tidy. it never is. for anyone. or for alot of us.
i know that now.

when two broken people marry (and we're all a little broken to some degree or other) they have no idea what's ahead. when those two people have a quasi-relationship with God then things are going to get dicey. the funny thing is that God doesn't rush in and say "hey, wait a minute, I'm over here! here I am! don't do it that way, listen to Me!"

what i've learned the hard way is that we have to do what we have to do until we don't have to do it anymore. until we give up and say "God, i need You. tag, You're it." it's taken my whole long-legged life to get here.
i'm not proud of that statement.

we've been through a lot. a whole lot. but it all seems like a blur now. that's what God can do! He's in the business! that's His area of expertise! He's a "life changer". He's changed my life 360 degrees (i'm kidding...that's an inside family joke). how 'bout a 180? actually how 'bout a 160 or a 170...i still have a lot to learn!

when each of us, bill and i, began to let God open our eyes (at different times, of course...that would've been way too easy) and allowed Him to show us about ourselves, instead of looking at each other ~ then the dance changed, the music started again and life has become a brand new thing.

we have to ask Him. ask Him to come in and sit with us and teach us and be with us. we have to want Him more than we want our own way. we have to see ourselves as we really are not how we think we are.
because we're blind until we let Him in.

honestly, i would have preferred for this wisdom to have come to me a very long time ago. it would've saved us from a lot of pain. but then i wouldn't be who i am right now. i can't go back. so i go forward with joy and peace that only God can give and how grateful i am that He is such a generous giver of love and mercy and grace!

bill is this to me ~ perfect!

{start watching to see how many men - young or old, married or on a date - open the car door for their ladies? (ahhh....but how many girls stand by their side of the car and wait for their guy to open the door? we'll talk about that later!) (they're teachable, girls!)} bill has opened the door for me every single time for 33 + almost 2 years!!

and there's alot more to be said of the man i call "b".
i'll tell you later, gator. ;)

i thank God everyday for having a crush on me....and bill !

the feeling is mutual.

wink.

here i am!

bill and i have been married for 33 years. that's just crazy. vbg (very big grin) that leaves no doubt that God REALLY DOES have a sense of humor. two very imperfect people get married and set out on the "happily ever after" trail. and God was so sweet to lovingly and generously give us the greatest desires of our hearts times three! namely ~ kate and mollie and emily. one of these days i'll write about that "happily ever after" trail that we so effervescently set out to travel. but this is my maiden voyage for blogging and this is all a little scary to me. (i'm old-ish) ;) let me leave you with this. i have a husband who loves God and is the best thing that ever happened to me. there's a huge story behind that statement. you'll just have to wait. wink.