Charles Smith ~ Daddy

today is his birthday. it doesn't matter that he's not here on earth to celebrate...it will always be his birthday. he would've been 87. i even had a dream in the wee hours of this morning and he was there, laughing and having a great time.

i remember his smile. i remember a lot of things about him. his laughter and his ridiculously funny sneezes. his fierce protection. his gentleness. his endless stories. he wasn't perfect. neither am i. but he loved me and i knew it. he always told me so. he spent time with me. he would tell me about the things that he loved.... especially his dreams. i rolled my eyes about alot of things he said. some of those are the very things that i treasure today.

parents get a short sell during the course of our growing up but maybe in the end we'll be remembered well. with a smile. maybe a regret at not having listened and embraced more of what was shared. he always said "no regrets"..... but i have a few. i wish that i'd loved him just a little bit more. been less critical. given forgiveness like he gave to me. spent a little more time with him.

but today i can reflect on the giant of a man who shaped my life
and say 'thank you, daddy. i love you, too!'

and happy birthday!

cassandra jean

hard

life. is hard.

i didn't used to think so even when it was. too much pollyana? i've never thought so. there is always a new day. even a new time of day to start over. right now i'm smack in the middle of hard. and no, not everything is good. all that matters is not good. God is good and He is working, i just can't see it. right now. there is something that matters to me beyond measure and the reality of it is not good.

faith ~ it is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

i can't see with my eyes right now. truthfully, i sometimes lack confidence. i get really scared. and beyond sad. it's pain like i've never in my whole life experienced. "but God" says that i can trust Him because He is for us and not against us. He will give hope and a future if we believe what He says. what if.....i actually believe Him? and live that way. i try very hard to do that most days. but there are some that wash over me just like a flood. like today.

the hope is there. and the future. if i pick it up and believe Him. and trust.

and so life today, right this minute is so hard. my only sane option is to lift my head. God is the lifter of my head. deep breath. i am so incredibly grateful that my God IS. not was or will be but always IS. He is a present participle God. always happening. i love that.

so as the tears wash down my face, i lift my head. to Him Who can brush them away and say that it's okay to cry them. what a relief. i don't have to hide them. He knows that i'm human and have days when the pain is so great that i have no choice but to let them fall.

and He is here.
and He is there.
and He is working on it.
all in His time.

hard.

six zero ~ she lives!

it's done. over. it's real. i still can't actually say it.

emily and bill made it fairly painless. how completely darling of them (i understand it was the baby chick's idea) to have a surprise party for me! so.much.fun. the whole day was beautiful and perfect.

it's so fun to be born in the spring!

bill gave me an iphone. thank you, bill! very impressive. am impressed. but we all know that you're the nice one. we don't have to wait to see! (inside joke) i've wanted one from 'afar' for quite awhile. been fearing that i'd be the only one on planet earth to not understand how to use it. well, i can use it but i need some serious remedials. ;)

the pictures aren't in order. apparently i need remedials in that, too. no worries.

thank you to my sweet fam for such a special day. it made the scariness of it seem 'not so bad'. i love you!

mollie, we miss you.

waiting. with love.